Chapter 31

I love processing everything that happened over the course of the year and realizing how it’s altered me from the person I was just 12 months ago. I know that a “year” doesn't define our being and a new one isn’t the only time we’re able to reflect but for me, it’s always a good time to digest all my feelings, the lessons, the setbacks, the growth, and lean into the things I want more of.  

I recently read a journal entry from my birthday this year and got really emotional. Here’s a little snippet: 

I just celebrated 31 and it feels like I’m a whole new person from the one I was a year ago. Every time I would come to journal it would be because I was going through something traumatic or another drinking episode. I’m so proud of myself for facing what I needed to face, for making it through some really hard decisions. It feels like a new era of showing up for me and finally trusting myself to carry me home. I’m realizing how many pieces came together and just how many had to fall apart first. I’m looking toward the future with hope and joy depsite all the bullshit and loss, though there will always be both. What a ride it is to be able to hold so many emotions at the same time.

I think the most interesting part about growth is that it doesn’t always feel natural. Because I haven’t felt this feeling in so long (maybe ever) there is a hefty level of anxiety that’s coming along with it. I almost feel scared of the good feeling. My part X is really out here working overtime (add Stutz to your 2023 watch list if you haven’t already seen it). He’s popping up with these annoying thoughts like, “something is going to take this away” or “what could go wrong to mess this up” because it feels too damn good. But that’s the thing about new patterns. Your brain has to learn them and be ok with feeling ok. So I’m taking that anxiety as a good sign.

Reading back on my journal entries was like a sigh of relief. Beautiful reminders that I am, that we are all, capable of getting to the other side whatever that looks like. It’s been a year since the rock bottom. Since the beginning of climbing the stairs to a higher me. It was the first time I was able to read something that made me so genuinely proud of myself. One of the most important things on the journey to this point was my support system - and I think I have one of the best. The people in my life show up in ways I wasn’t even capable of for so long. And for that I’m so grateful.

This was the year all of the work, the therapy, the boundaries came together - things fell into place a little more and I finally feel at peace. Of course there is always space for growth but at this moment, I’m soaking in the progress I’ve made. The more time goes on the more confident I am that the universe doesn’t make mistakes. There will be more moments to get through. But I made it here.

It’s up from here my love. I’m so proud of us.