And Just Like That...Another Year Gone
Ah yes, time for my annual blog post. It’s something about another year coming to an end (or maybe it’s the *questionable* SATC reboot episodes I watched this weekend) that gives me the urge to sit down at my computer and get into my feels.
I started rereading my goodbye to 2020 and couldn’t believe everything that’s happened over the past couple years. I think I’ve started to put things out of my mind out of sheer lack of space to hold it. I don’t know how we’ve ALL done it. It seems like just when we get a second to breathe, something else hits us like a bag of bricks–a new variant, an attack on women’s rights, Gossip Girl also attempting a reboot. The list is long!!
I feel like when I’m in the mood to write it’s rooted in seeking validation for the shit I’ve been feeling and going through. But I also find there is a certain comfort in discovering someone is struggling with the same things, or experiencing similar themes in their own life - that we’re not actually alone living in our little siloed bubbles. We’re all going THROUGH it. I’m usually an open book, but something I’m learning through therapy–yes she got a new therapist this year!– is that some things are best navigated on your own. Give what you can to the people you know will carry you and save the rest for you and your spirit. So that’s what I’ve been working on.
For the first time in probably my whole life, I’ve discovered a deep intimacy with myself that has been scary, mentally draining and hard as hell. One of the biggest demons I fought this year was alcohol. I’ve never actually had the courage to share it publicly but if you know me or have partied with me on a good night, you may not be too shocked by this statement. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I want to share it because 1. Accountability and 2. I know that when it comes to any form of addiction or abuse, it really really helps to hear stories from other people going through similar situations (at least it does for me). So just know, if that’s something you’re struggling with or even just an area of your life you want to change a little, know that you are 1000% capable and there is no such thing as a “typical addict.” I thought because I didn’t look one way, I didn’t have a problem. But abuse can look so many kinds of ways baby.
This year we bought a house, got a dog and celebrated 30. There were milestones! But there was darkness, too. The last few months of 2021 have absolutely kicked my ass physically and emotionally. Relationships evolved and changed this year, and I hit what felt like rock bottom. Being the oversharing Gemini that I am, it’s almost hard for me to sit alone with my emotions. My excitement, my trauma, my anything. But I sat in it. To be honest, I’m still in the fucking chair and can’t wait to stand up. And I know that when I do, I will see purpose.
Though this is fairly glum so far, there has also been so much beauty this year and that is what I’m taking with me to 2022. I’m taking the moments that fill me with love, the people I feel safe and authentically myself with, the moments that allow me to forget about anything that cripples my joy. We all deserve that. I hope that whatever you battled this year is making its way out. Maybe you’re still in it and need a reminder that you’re strong enough to get there, so let this be it. The you on the other side is cheering for you, and so am I. We got this.