2020 Is Cancelled

I think we can all agree 2020 has been rough as hell. There was so much “new year, new decade” energy, I feel like it set us up for failure. As it is, I seem to always struggle between the hype of new year intentions and admitting the fact that life doesn't just start over because it’s a new year. You don’t kick your depression or anxiety because it’s a new year. You don’t magically get closer to making a million dollars once the clock strikes midnight. But even with all my realistic mindsets about the new year, it still slapped me hard in the face. 

A week in, I lost something very special to me. We had to put our baby Roobug down after three and a half years of the most special bunny memories. A month later, we lost Kobe. Then came COVID-19, and every day I’m sitting here like can we just….start over??? Being surrounded by unknowns, it’s definitely easy to focus on the negatives. I’ve found myself sinking into them - like the comfortable pair of sweatpants I’ve been living in for the past month and a half. Life comes at you fast and you never have control. And that includes your emotions. 

If there’s anything I hope I bring out of this Corona cave, I think it would be to give up on trying to control what I’m feeling. Pre March, we were living in a world where so much was dependent on how we showed up everyday, on time, ready to stay late, giving 110%. That’s what good people do, right? When you’re all of a sudden unemployed and unable to leave the house, you sit with yourself for the first time since you can remember and realize that you haven’t looked at yourself in the mirror like this in...ever? You haven’t found those freckles you never realized you have because life was always moving so fast. On one end of the spectrum, it’s a beautiful thing to have this rest, this time to unfold and sit still. But on the other end, there is no playbook for how to deal with unresolved trauma that might come up with yourself, with your partner, or how to unlearn what society has always told us - that we must constantly be turned on. 

For me, I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I was texting with a friend the other night and we chatted about how even things that should feel exciting don't really feel that exciting at the moment and I said, “I keep telling myself to just snap out of it!!” But the truth is, I just need to be nicer to me. We’re in uncharted waters. There is no right way to cope with what is going on. I love when I see people getting creative and painting and making art because they never had the time. However, if you just don’t have the creative juices flowing in you right now, that is 1000% understandable too. My brain has been in mental whiplash - today we found out that LA County is extending stay-at-home orders through July, and while that may seem drastic and nothing short of a bummer, I still feel…..thankful? I think? Thankful that I get the chance to be perfectly healthy in my apartment, that our underpaid nurses and essential workers are keeping the world spinning right now. 

There are so many think pieces on how to best handle this quarantine and how to spend your new free time and what mechanisms people are using to pass the days. But I guess the reason I wanted to write is because I want you to find peace in the fact that someone else in the world (aka me but probably lots more) is racking up an average of nine hours of screen time, eating bacon for lunch and simultaneously feeling like I can do ANYTHING but also like a demotivated hayseed.

My therapist friend always encourages embracing the in between, holding space for both feelings. I feel so unmotivated but get angry that I can’t recognize what I do have. I want to feel productive during my downtime but get irritated with my zombie brain. There is room for both things - to let yourself spiral a little bit. In true Gemini form, I’m queen of overthinking and can come up with scenarios all day about what may or may not happen, what’s the best decision for me financially right now when it comes to my career, etc. But at the end of the day, my most toxic trait is my impulsive behavior so naturally, I bought two new bunnies to make myself feel happy. It worked.  

I hope there are better days in the near future. But in the meantime, cut yourself some slack, go buy (read: rescue) a new animal, send a DM to Beyonce to thank her for the Savage remix and just try to survive, OK? Hit me up in 2021. xoxo